Feeling Old Feelings

Hello, world.


This one isn't going to be nearly as long as the last entry here. I am just wondering aloud about things I see in the rear view mirror. I've reached out to a few people I used to know, but haven't spoken to in quite some time. Doing so has, for some reason, put me in a sort of depression. After the end of the last month, when I was home on leave, I have been heavily thinking.



I was drinking at a bar with the first woman I ever loved. Now, back when we were together, from 6th grade until sophomore year of high school, times were a little different. Adult activities like driving out to the movies or going out to dinner, or going to the bars were all slightly out of reach. Of course we knew about them, but no teenage boy wants to let his mom drive him and his girlfriend to a date.

Even still, spending so much time with her, a part of who I am today is because of her. Let me just clarify here, this isn't a love letter, or some clever way to call out to her. She wouldn't read this anyway. Now then, we broke up sophomore year of high school. That is a part of life. Nothing lasts forever.


Fast forward 8 years. I've been away with the military for 5 years. In that time, I've been married, had a child, and divorced. Being stationed at Minot has put me through hell and back, more than once. I took leave to go home for a week to see my son, as I hadn't since my ex wife left me on Valentine's day. Now the story comes full circle.


I was drinking at a bar with the first woman I ever loved. She is still the same girl I used to know, but grown up. Time changes people, but some things stay the same. She was every bit as beautiful as I remembered. Her smile still lit me up, her laugh was still just as warm. We started talking about how things used to be. As confusing as it was to me, I continued on. I thought I caught a hint of longing in her voice. She wanted to know if it was still the same. I leaned in and kissed her with everything I had. For me, it was exactly the same. Every feeling I had for her came back for that minute. I was overwhelmed with too much to fathom.

As I walked her home, I couldn't stop thinking about it. What did it mean? Where did it come from? Why? We talked for almost 3 hours on her door step, before she told me that the sun was coming up. I brushed her hair back, over her ear like I used to do, and asked her for one more kiss for the road. She just smiled at me and went back inside. Of course, the wind blew the rain water out of the trees as I walked away.

I am still confused. I'm just thinking about everybody that I used to know but haven't talked to. I want them to all know that I am still here, and I still care.


Allen