Feeling Old Feelings

Hello, world.


This one isn't going to be nearly as long as the last entry here. I am just wondering aloud about things I see in the rear view mirror. I've reached out to a few people I used to know, but haven't spoken to in quite some time. Doing so has, for some reason, put me in a sort of depression. After the end of the last month, when I was home on leave, I have been heavily thinking.



I was drinking at a bar with the first woman I ever loved. Now, back when we were together, from 6th grade until sophomore year of high school, times were a little different. Adult activities like driving out to the movies or going out to dinner, or going to the bars were all slightly out of reach. Of course we knew about them, but no teenage boy wants to let his mom drive him and his girlfriend to a date.

Even still, spending so much time with her, a part of who I am today is because of her. Let me just clarify here, this isn't a love letter, or some clever way to call out to her. She wouldn't read this anyway. Now then, we broke up sophomore year of high school. That is a part of life. Nothing lasts forever.


Fast forward 8 years. I've been away with the military for 5 years. In that time, I've been married, had a child, and divorced. Being stationed at Minot has put me through hell and back, more than once. I took leave to go home for a week to see my son, as I hadn't since my ex wife left me on Valentine's day. Now the story comes full circle.


I was drinking at a bar with the first woman I ever loved. She is still the same girl I used to know, but grown up. Time changes people, but some things stay the same. She was every bit as beautiful as I remembered. Her smile still lit me up, her laugh was still just as warm. We started talking about how things used to be. As confusing as it was to me, I continued on. I thought I caught a hint of longing in her voice. She wanted to know if it was still the same. I leaned in and kissed her with everything I had. For me, it was exactly the same. Every feeling I had for her came back for that minute. I was overwhelmed with too much to fathom.

As I walked her home, I couldn't stop thinking about it. What did it mean? Where did it come from? Why? We talked for almost 3 hours on her door step, before she told me that the sun was coming up. I brushed her hair back, over her ear like I used to do, and asked her for one more kiss for the road. She just smiled at me and went back inside. Of course, the wind blew the rain water out of the trees as I walked away.

I am still confused. I'm just thinking about everybody that I used to know but haven't talked to. I want them to all know that I am still here, and I still care.


Allen

Keep it simple, sort of.

Keeping it Simple. Sort of.

Hello, Internet.

      As always, I am thrilled to be here, and will surely be here until you no longer exist. Since I will cease to exist before you will, I have a story to tell. In fact, I will have many stories to tell, because you never know what life is going to throw at you. I might wake up one day and win the lottery. I might get struck by lightning. One of those things is much more likely to happen than the other, and you may think I'm being clever, but I assure you, I'm not. As far as I know, it isn't possible to win the lottery if you don't play the game. The trouble with the game, though, is that it isn't likely you'll win.

      I bought my lottery ticket back in 2008 when I decided to enlist in the US Air Force. Spending your life growing up in the same house, taking the same path to school every single day, kindergarten on up to graduation, and being with the same group of people your whole life makes the military a hard option. Those angry folks in the blue hats yell at you for a couple months, while they teach you how to tie your boots and run with an M16. In my case, I was sent off to be a cop. I told them I'd like to do it. Now I had angry folks with blue berets yell at me for a couple months, while they taught me how to paint my face and run with an M249. Looking out over the plains on my long drive to North Dakota, my first and only duty station so far, I couldn't help but feel like that smug bastard on TV already called the first number on the ticket, and it wasn't even close to what I picked.

      I spent a year over here at Minot, ND, just living in the barracks and doing what my friends wanted to do. Staying proficient in martial arts, going out hunting for anything I could, drinking. Whatever the day sent to us on our time off, we took it and ran, because the job is hell. Sitting outside in an old, beat up Hummer wearing body armor and trying not to smell the guy sitting up in the turret, who seems to have forgotten what a shower is, tends to take a toll on you. You become cynical. You lose that military attitude that they instill in all of your training. You just want to quit. Some people do, and some people face it. I adapted and more or less overcame. I'd found myself a woman. She did her best to make me happy, which isn't hard to do. Tell me you love me, and rub my belly now and then and I'm as happy as a ground hog in a mulberry tree. She was there when I needed it, and I am proud to say I was the same for her. That's right, you dulcet prick on channel twelve. You picked my number this time. I was happy.

      I wore happiness like it was going out of style. Everything was fantastic. I had a son, who looks just like me. He's even a little smartass. But as they say, you'd rather be a smart ass than a dumb ass, right? I felt like I was right where I needed to be in my life. I had an assured job for the next 4 years, I had a house, two cars, a dog, and beer in my fridge. Somewhere in 2012, my marriage began to fail. I still don't know what I did to let it go. The trouble with the military life is that you do not own it. It isn't my choice when I work and don't work. I can't create time to make up for time spent at work instead of at home. If I could go back and find a way, I would. It would save me a lot of suffering. Sometime during the year, the sex life went away. It was almost like I wasn't even married anymore, save for all the arguments. She'd let the house go, mostly stopped cooking, and never slept at night. She would sit out in the garage and smoke the cigarettes she didn't know I knew of. She would talk on the phone to guy friends back home and read her books while I sat upstairs wondering why she didn't want to come to bed. Maybe the military life was too much for her. I thought she would have grown into it, or grown up at all, really, after we'd had our son. I sure did. But she lived in a high school world. Right at the end of 2012, I got in trouble in the military.

       The reason is terrible, it isn't funny, and it shouldn't have happened, as such needs no further explanation. The punishment for my "offense" was working for fifty days of extra duty. This means that from January 13th to March 4th, I was waking up at 0330 so I could go to work until roughly 1900. I don't know where I would find the time to take my wife out on a date. I don't have time to pick up the house. There wasn't time for anything. I would come home, shovel food in my face, sometimes while in the shower, and go to sleep. Right in the middle of this extra duty, my car broke down. We had sold our other car to my oldest brother. I found a ride to and from work every day, but my wife was stuck at home. She started getting rides from people we knew. One man, in particular, was favored. They went everywhere together. She'd even started going to the gym with him. Unusual behaviors. Being a cop, I noticed these things. Confronting her only made issues worse. I was shamed into trusting her. To the day, I can't confirm or deny that she cheated on me. However, I have strong evidence to suggest in the affirmative, since the same man, not two months after helping ruin my marriage, was caught in bed with the wife of a friend of mine. Now he's in trouble, and I'm happy.

      Anyway, in the middle of my extra duty, my marriage completely fell apart. Divorce papers were laid out. Very few things in my life have been harder than this moment. Bouncing your happy, oblivious son on your knee while you try not to fall apart right there in the office as you sign your papers, was very rattling. Of all days, this was valentine's day. In order to know he was safe, I gave my wife my car, now fixed, with the car seat already in. She took some clothes, a few small things, put my son in the car, and drove out of my life. Three hours later I gave my dog to a friend who got out of the military, as I knew there wouldn't be cheap apartments that allowed pets. As he drove away, I sat down on the front step of my house and put my head in my hands. My wife, my son, my dog, my car, my life, all gone in the span of 4 hours. Alright, ticket man, you win again, you bastard.

      We had gotten our tax refund back, for almost six thousand dollars. Part of it was used to fix the car, but we split the remainder. I gave her roughly 80% of it, because I knew she had to find a job and find a home for our son. I left myself with nothing but a full sized house packed full of memories to pack up for her. I found an apartment and moved what few things I had, and picked up a U-Haul truck for the rest of the stuff in my house. After about a week of packing and loading and cleaning that house, I stood outside on the tailgate to the big truck and just thought about my life. Where was I 6 months ago? Not the happiest man on the planet, but I at least still wanted to be on the planet. Now I was standing there, looking at 3 years of my life, my memories, and shutting the door on them. A few more tears may or may not have hit the ground. It was a good road trip with one of my best friends, but it cost me roughly $1200, which is also roughly an entire pay check, just to take the truck to my parents, who met us in Minneapolis, and then took it back to Wisconsin. My ex wife didn't pay a dime for any of it, nor did she pack or load any of it. I've never seen any money back. She isn't helping me pay for the damages done to our house we had, either, which total to $4000. Between the child support and the $171 they take each pay check for the house, I am losing $371 per check. Not counting my rent, which is $950. For the first two months, I wasn't getting allowance for housing. I paid it all out of pocket. I ate ramen noodles, with a piece of cheese mixed in, every other day because I couldn't afford food. Somehow she'd done away with the $3000 I'd given her, and had the nerve to ask me for money. I guess she got used to me providing for her completely, because she didn't have a job for the last 2 years of our marriage.

     A friend of mine, who'd been friends with my ex wife and I back in the day began talking to me. She'd been through a rough divorce as well, and wanted to talk about it. I invited her over and we talked for a few hours about all of it. During the talk, she mentioned to me that she caught her husband using dating sites on the internet. While she was catching him, she ran into my wife online as well. Now my suspicions were all but confirmed. If she hadn't cheated on me, she was trying. I do my best to let it go, as we are already divorced, but it still bothers me. What did I do? All I could do was continue trying to rebuild my life.

      There was a woman at work I'd began talking to. She was sweet and innocent, cute and smart, but completely devious. She played the game well. She said the right things, she loved to hang out. She lead me on like a champion. In retrospect, I was rebounding, for sure. Even still, she hurt me all over again. One of the guys that was helping me pack my life into boxes and not drink myself to death during my divorce, was always hanging out with us. I didn't think anything of it. I didn't imagine either of them capable of doing what they did. I made a trip up to the base with a gift I'd made for this girl. It was simply an Origami butterfly I made, with a poem about flying away written on it. As I raised my hand to knock on her door, I heard her and somebody having sex. It wasn't until the next day I figured out that it was my close friend all along. She let me continue flirting with her, and he continued to hang out with me, both of them knowing that I wanted her. Finally they told me, and when I told them that I'd already figured it out, they sort of just stopped talking. We all did. Two more friends gone.

      Now its time for me to take leave from the military and visit my son for a week. We had an exercise going on at work, and it was very difficult to get the paperwork done to make it home, but by a hair, I got it done. Not a day too soon, though, my apartment flooded. I woke up to go to work and hopped out of bed with a splash. I called my landlord, who simply had me pick up his credit card and buy a shop-vac from Menards. I'm pretty sure he's got people for this sort of thing. After I cleared out my flooded rooms, and threw away a good deal of my belongings in said rooms, I fought the water back enough to save the remainder of my apartment. I figured out that the issue was a broken downspout on a gutter, and insisted that my landlord call someone to fix it. He claimed that they wouldn't fix a gutter while it was raining, so I went back to Menards and bought the supplies to fix it myself. Finally, after I stopped the flood, he had a carpet guy come in and do his thing. I gave them a key and went home on leave. He called me throughout with updates saying that my apartment was fine and the water was gone. Got you now, you fancy dressed jerk, reading off your numbers. This one's mine.

     I make the trip home, and I couldn't have been happier. I didn't enjoy speaking with my ex wife, but I loved every second that I got to hang out with my son. I was teaching him whatever I could teach him, just to connect with him. When I would sit on the couch, he'd hop up and sit right next to me, just the same way I was sitting. If I'd lay face down on the floor, he would do the same. All he wanted was to be just like his daddy. More than once, I cried about it. I wish it could be better for him.

      I also got to see the very first woman I ever fell in love with. I'd dated her for 5 years, starting in 6th grade. Obviously, dating that young is silly. It was very slow going, but I didn't care. It was just a girl to hang out with. Regretfully, I lost my virginity at the age of 13. I'm not sorry that it was with her, or that any of my first times were with her, just that it happened so young. I wish we had been more experienced with life. Anyhow, after we broke up in the middle of high school, fought for a couple years, and became good friends again, I was forced to walk out of her life, and keep her out of mine. My wife wasn't too thrilled with me talking to an ex girlfriend, even though we knew that there was nothing left. While I willingly walked away from the first girl I ever loved, my wife began talking to her. They became friends, but it was all a ruse. She was just trying to put me in a position to do something wrong. Finally, my ex girlfriend figured out that she was being used against me, and she stopped talking to both of us until we got our divorce.

      Her and I had become good friends again, and I hadn't seen her in a while. Unfortunately, she'd started dating my brother on and off for a year. As much as this hurt me, he is still family, and she was still a part of how I grew up. I wasn't going to let either of them go. By the time I'd gone on leave, though, they'd been apart for a few months. It was hard not to think about all the memories her and I had. She claims to not remember a lot of them, but I don't see how she could forget them. We sat at a bar, with my brother's other...female companion? I don't know, it's complicated. Those two hadn't really talked much, as I'm sure it was a bit weird for them, seeing as how my brother cheated on both of them with each other, and with two more girls elsewhere. I felt bad for bringing them together, but they seemed to get along fine. In between laughs and drinks and conversations, my brother's girl got up and went to the bathroom. In the next minute, my ex girlfriend had started reminiscing. We got to talking about things that happened, and wondering what it would have been like today. She wanted to know if I still kissed the same way I used to. So, alcohol willed it. I leaned in and kissed her with every bit of what I remembered with her. In the next ten seconds I had 9 years of love, lust, pain, loss, anger, confusion, and sadness rush into my head. I pulled away, but went right back in for another one. The same feelings, stronger. I didn't know what to do. After I walked my brother's girl home, my ex and I walked to her house. We stood outside her door talking for two hours more. She told me to stop looking at her the way I was, which was, according to her, how I used to. She said the sun was coming up, so I asked for another kiss. She smiled and kissed me on the cheek and went inside. When I got back home and into bed, I'd gotten two text messages from my brother's girl. She had said that I was very attractive, a compliment that I hadn't heard in quite some time. She also said that she wanted me. Did this mean she wished she was with me instead of my brother? Did she want to have sex with me? I'm just a guy. Girls are confusing. You got this one, ticket man. This one cut me deep.

      The next night, we all went to the bar again. This time, my ex had brought one of her ex boyfriends. I was upset, as the night before had me thinking about a lot of possible outcomes that tonight might have. My hostility towards her ex boyfriend sort of split the night. They talked, and I talked with my brother's girl. She's a complicated one because she doesn't want to be with my brother. She's not, with him. They have a son together, who is a year younger than mine. But he mistreats her, as well as the other women he sleeps with. Sometimes I am ashamed to be his brother. Nobody deserves what he does to these women. I had always been nice. I opened the car door for his girl the night I picked her up from the bar. I am always polite, and I love to make her laugh. I wasn't hitting on her. I never even thought about it. The time we'd spent around each other in the past week was fun, but it was just genuine. She was easy to get along with, and I'm the same way. New friends. Back to the bar, her and I had been talking while my ex and her ex did the same. Once again, I had finished all of the Honey Weiss they had at the bar, and was very, very drunk. My brother's girl, being a lightweight, was also very drunk. I paid for our drinks and we left. I don't remember saying goodbye to my ex, and I feel bad about that.

     We walked to my house, talking the whole way. Somewhere along the way we started holding hands. We didn't even slow down when we got to the house. We continued walking down the street. What we talked about is still unknown to me. Most of the night was a blur for both of us, but when we stopped walking and stopped talking, everything was crystal clear. I'd put one hand behind her head, and the other under her chin and I pulled her in and kissed her with everything I had. At first, she was confused, and for a half a second, she pulled away. But I could feel it when the switch flipped on in her head. Out there, on the side of that hill, we gave each other everything we had. It was full of lust and anger, wanting and needing. It was amazing. All the worry, the hurt, the anger, the hatred of life, was lifted. In that moment, we were the happiest people on the planet.

     In the next few days, as I made my trip back here to Minot, her and I continued talking. We talked about our feelings towards that night. Why it never should have happened. Why we don't regret it. Now, it seems like I'm checking my phone all the time to see if she's texted me. I don't think I've ever gotten this way about a woman so fast before. I'm doing my best to keep it mellow, but every time I think about that night I just get lost. She does the same, we still talk about it. We think about it in the shower, we use it. She loves to write, she loves music, she's a photographer. All things that I also do. Not so much photography any more, but I took a class for a year, and I enjoyed it! Regardless, I don't know what to make of the situation. She deserves someone better than my brother. But after doing what we did, am I really better than my brother? He also did it to me, with my ex, so was it just getting even? I don't know. All I know, is that I wouldn't have changed anything about that night. Once we left the bar, absolutely everything was perfect. I was actually sad to head back here, and she was the last one I hugged before I headed out. You get one, and I get one, lottery man.

      Clearly, he's not done reading off the ticket yet. Plenty of unknown numbers left to be called. You win some, you lose some. At the end of the day, everybody gets to where they're going. You just have to make do with your means.

Thanks for reading, if anybody does.

Allen